How To Kill A Tree

how to kill a tree

Killing a Tree

There are various reason why someone would want to kill a tree. Maybe you just hate Mother Nature and want to take her out one tree at a time. Or perhaps your kids want you to build them an elaborate tree house and you are just too damn lazy to do this. Or maybe its your neighbors tree and it is driving you nuts because it extends into your property line making a mess of your pristine yard and you want it to die a painful death. Whatever your reasons are, it is just sad to kill a tree. In 50 years when trees are scarce because they have all been cut down or killed by morons like you, you’ll regret killing that innocent tree. But it is my job to help you with your killing¬†endeavors (I’m starting to think that I need to find a new job) so I will aid you in the murdering of trees.

The quickest and most effective method to kill a tree is with a chainsaw. It is really quite simple. Take the chainsaw, place it to the base of the tree and let it go. Then have someone clear it out or just chop it up for firewood. I feel like I have to warn/caution you because well people are very stupid. A chainsaw is dangerous. It can kill you. It can chop your limbs off. So use with caution or not at all if you are an idiot. Chainsaws are dangerous or fun if you happen to be from Texas. If you are old school and a burly mountain man, an ax can do the same. It takes more strength and is not quite as dangerous. Well that depends on who is wielding it though.

Another method to a tree, a slower method, is to drill holes in it and fill it up with nitrogen fertilizer. This is a good way if you want the tree to feel pain and die a slow death. This may also be good if you want to rid yourself of your pesky neighbor’s tree. First you will drill holes with a 1/2 inch bit about every two feet around the¬†circumference of the tree (Less if the tree is smaller). You will then fill these holes with the nitrogen fertilizer. This will cause the tree to decay and die and will take a few weeks.

There are a few more methods to kill a tree by drilling holes in it with that 1/2inch bit. On is to drill holes around the base just above the roots. Then pour salt into them, kosher works the best. Cover the holes with sand. This will cause the tree to suffocate and it will also prevent any future growth of the tree. Another way is again drill holes around the tree but this time at a 45 degree angle and make them deep. Then take Roundup which is a weed killer and pour it into the holes with a funnel. This way will take a week or two.

Girdling a tree can also kill it. I don’t mean you put a girdle on your tree and squeeze it to death. Idiots. This method is done by stripping the inner and outer bark. Take a chainsaw or an ax and cut a deep groove around the circumference of the tree. The larger the tree the deeper it needs to be. Make sure you cut it to the inner bark, the cambium. Then treat the cuts with an herbicide like Tordon, Pathway or Brush-B-Gone. This method takes a few years sometimes, depending on the size of your tree. Essentially it starves the tree over a period of time.