How to Kill Yourself

How to Kill Yourself

Killing Yourself

It’s something everyone considers at least a few times a day, perhaps as you get up from your desk to get a cup of coffee, but then your coworker, Chad walks by with a steaming Styrofoam cup and a disturbingly perfect smile of triumph, leaving behind a stained carafe in the coffee maker with a few drops of caffeinated sludge sticking to the bottom, and you wonder why you can’t have one of those individual K-Cup brewers like the guys in accounting have, like Chad probably has at home. You look at your empty, eco-friendly travel mug through bleary, half asleep eyes, and a funny word association pops into your head: “Hanging Chad.” You chuckle, because you know what you mean. Yeah, hanging Chad would be great, but wouldn’t hanging myself be better? Then they’d all see!

Yes, we all think about it, but sadly, so few of us have the knowledge and skill levels to see it to fruition. There are countless boring ways to do it, but killing yourself should neither be undertaken lightly, nor without a sense of artistry and style. Otherwise, it would just be dull.

How to Kill Yourself

If your headline read: “John Doe, 39, of Minichinchity, SC, died last Wednesday,” no one would read about your death. But if it said: “John Doe, 39, of Minichinchity, SC, died last Wednesday after ingesting a fatal dose of Kindness,” people would think, “He did what? Killed himself with Kindness?” Then they would realize that you can only kill others with kindness. But they would read it, and they would remember it forever. You would achieve immortality through creative suicide. So make an effort, and learn how to kill yourself with panache!

To help you with your once in a lifetime moment of glory, I will give you your obituary, and instructions on how to earn it.


Mr. John Doe, of Tikkeltilly Wyoming, found eternal peace when his life was unexpectedly claimed by dirty underwear. (Not glamorous, but interesting enough that folks will read it).

Here is what you do:

1. Pick a Jane Austin novel. I suggest Pride and Prejudice.
2. Illegally download several versions of the film from a peer-sharing network.
3. Watch each version in succession, while sipping Raspberry Oolong tea from a floral print teacup.
4. When finished, you will gratefully remove your eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon or melon-baller, then repeat step three.
5. When you get to the one with Keira Knightley, take a bathroom break. Don’t pause it, just go. As your hot neighbor tentatively opens the door to check out the screaming, jump up and reach out for her with zombie-like moans, trip over your pulled-down trousers, and die of humiliation as you realize you didn’t put on clean underwear, just like your mother always warned would happen.

This concludes How To Kill Yourself With Style. If you followed these instructions precisely, you died in a very memorable fashion, and you will remain the life of the party for eternity. Congratulations!

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